Tag Archive | twins

Oh September 

Sep20

Not sure how I am managing to keep going right now. To keep a smiling face at work, to not fall apart when I see others with their children, to keep strong! 

Being in the month of September is hard! 

This time last year we were excited to meet our babies with only weeks to go and then we would lose that dream and our worlds fell apart. 

My birthday on 7th last year I had pelvic pain but was elated to be expecting twins and turning 40 was somehow ok as I knew we were finally going to have a family. This month on my birthday at 41 I was met with mixed emotions and uncertainty about my future.

I feel apprehensive about the days to come that mark a year on especially that devastating day we found out on 24th and 3 days later their birthday on 27th. 

No idea how I will feel but I doubt it will feel any different to any other day this year where my heart has ached for them. 

Thankfully we have booked time away as a couple so we can just be, just feel how we need to feel, cry, shout, whatever…

The journey has been and is tough. Very few can know what it feels like and I pray noone has to.  

Yet this September I also feel blessed by friends, family and colleagues who have been so supportive this past year, especially those who check in on me, who let me be myself, who hold me when there are no words, who have helped me find some joy amongst my grief, who have encouraged me and remained beside me.

Always their Father 

Jun18

When I look at you I don’t just see you as my dear loving husband but the amazing Father of our two beautiful girls. Chloe Beatrice Emiola and Grace Suzanne Olufemi are your babies and you will always be their Daddy. They may not be here for you to hold but they are still very much at the centre of our lives, our thoughts, our memories, our conversations each day. You loved them from the moment I shouted down the stairs last May those words ‘I’m pregnant’ and I know you will love them every day of your life. They are each a little bit of you and me, made from the love we share and I often find myself thinking about them when I look at the cute shape of your nose which they inherited from you. 

You fathered and still father them in so many ways. Here are just a few to mention.  

You spoke to them and prayed over them each day throughout my pregnancy,  with excitement you gazed upon them and listened to their heart beats every two weeks at the scans. You took photos of my growing bump with amazement, you told me your hopes and dreams for them and our future years together as a family. 

The day our babies hearts stopped beating your heart broke too and you wept over them with devastation. Yet you remained as a rock to me their mother. 

I will never forget the look on your face when you first saw Chloe on 27th September, your firstborn and then Grace over an hour later. Amidst your grief was a look of pure love as you gazed upon your daughters as any proud dad would upon their birth. You carefully cut their cords and then held them close and couldn’t stop marvelling at how wonderful they were.  

You had to say goodbye to our girls and the life that was meant to be with them and no father should ever have to carry the coffin of their daughters yet you did with such braveness to honour them. 

You are their father in the way you talk about them to others and keep their memory alive. Your love for them overflows in the things you do and say. You encourage us all with your faith and strength. Your girls will always be in your heart my lovely husband. Thank you for being their father and for always being you! I love you!

Heart full, mind full

May21

My mind is full of my girls today and as I think about them my heart feels full too. I wrote down lots of words that came to mind and used an on line word-cloud maker to express in these moments what my heart may look like. Some words are bigger than others as they were most prominent in my thoughts. The mix of colours I chose were also a reflection of how I feel and how I wanted to portray the words and my babies. Some words are positive and some negative which resembles this journey I am on too and how my mind flitters from one thought to another.