Not sure how I am managing to keep going right now. To keep a smiling face at work, to not fall apart when I see others with their children, to keep strong! 

Being in the month of September is hard! 

This time last year we were excited to meet our babies with only weeks to go and then we would lose that dream and our worlds fell apart. 

My birthday on 7th last year I had pelvic pain but was elated to be expecting twins and turning 40 was somehow ok as I knew we were finally going to have a family. This month on my birthday at 41 I was met with mixed emotions and uncertainty about my future.

I feel apprehensive about the days to come that mark a year on especially that devastating day we found out on 24th and 3 days later their birthday on 27th. 

No idea how I will feel but I doubt it will feel any different to any other day this year where my heart has ached for them. 

Thankfully we have booked time away as a couple so we can just be, just feel how we need to feel, cry, shout, whatever…

The journey has been and is tough. Very few can know what it feels like and I pray noone has to.  

Yet this September I also feel blessed by friends, family and colleagues who have been so supportive this past year, especially those who check in on me, who let me be myself, who hold me when there are no words, who have helped me find some joy amongst my grief, who have encouraged me and remained beside me.