Mummy and Daddy went back into hospital Monday 26th September. Nanny and Grandpa took us and stayed with us. They were our rocks!

I hadn’t Sept all night as I knew what was to come but it was all very scary as I had no idea what labour would be like. I had no preparation for this as I was due a caesarian section at 32 weeks. How painful would it be? how long would it take? what if I should die? At the same time I was grieving for you in my heart too. I didn’t know how I would feel when we would meet you. You weren’t going to be alive. You wouldn’t cry or open your eyes or move. You had already gone but we would still have the priveledge of seeing what Mummy and Daddy had created together after so many years of dreaming what you could look like..

We found ourselves back in the same room where the consultant confirmed your hearts had stopped. This time my bed was laid and I noticed the seethrough perspex crib at the end of the room. there was also a bed for Daddy at the side for when he got tired later on.

I spoke to Aunty M on the phone. She would come to see you when you were born.

The consultant did a final scan to see where you were positioned. You were head down. Grace you were still on my right higher up and Chloe, you were on my left lower down so you would be born first.

We met the lovely midwives who explained what would happen next. I would be given a pessary to dilate my cervix and induce contractions every 3 hours with a maximum of 5. after then i would need special IV drugs. They struggled to find veins to take blood and for setting up an IV line.

I was given my first pessary at 10.30am. Soon I felt my uterus tightening. I went for a walk with Nanny in the u-shaped corridors to try to bring on my contractions. I felt numb when I saw Dads holding their new babies and heard a few mums screaming in labour.

3 hours passed and I had my second. The insertion of the pessary hurt like a knife blade. I used gas and air whilst Nanny and Daddy held my arms and reassured me. I then had what felt like heavy period cramps. I could cope with just paracetamol and rocked through the contractions. Daddy couldn’t stand to watch me in pain and was angry and sad at what had happened and what was to come. Grandpa prayed.

Soon after that pessary I had a high temperature so was put on a drip with 2 lots of antibiotics. It was likely a reaction to the pessaries but they had to be sure I didn’t have an infection. By the third I couldn’t control the shivering which took over my whole body. I frequently needed to use the toilet and Nanny helped me each time. She and Daddy took it in turns to put cold flannels on my head to try to bring my temperature down. I felt very uncomfortable with a tight tummy. Grandpa went to get a wheat bag and some overnight things and food for the morning as he and Nanny were allowed to stay in the next en-suite luxury room.

I was hot then cold and overly emotional and extremely exhausted. i took pain killers through the drip. At each pessary and through each contraction which soon came every 30 seconds I chanted ‘ I am doing this to honour my babies, I am doing this to honour my babies’ and my eyes followed the patterns on the ceiling to focus myself away from the pain. The physical pain took over the emotional pain. I chose to be brave. This was the final thing I could do as your mother before you were born.

As I was so tired the midwives said I could take a break to sleep and start again in the morning! No! I had to carry on!

At the 5th pessary (15 hours) the contractions were so strong and though I tried so hard to be brave Nanny and Daddy sat on my bed with me and pleaded with me to have an epidural. I reluctantly gave in.

I am pleased I did though. The anesthetist was able to put in the epidural between contractions as I sat on the edge of the bed with my head looking down at the floor. After some time my pain eased as I pressed the button each time. I got a bit of rest but no sleep as my mind was active and confused.

Then my waters broke! you were soon to be here. I had dilated well. Grandpa arrived back.

For some reason I could still feel pain deep inside my uterus and back on my right hand side. They laid me on that side to see if the anasthetic would move to where I needed it and it did.

Whilst on my side I then felt a contraction and a pressure in my bottom and suddenly you were here Chloe!

Chloe Beatrice Emiola born at 1.51 am Tues 27th Sept (600g/1.3lb)

I couldn’t see you as you were out of view but Daddy did! I will never forget the shocked look on his face as he exclaimed ‘Oh my God’ as he saw you for the first time. He carefully cut your cord. The lovely midwife who delivered you both (she was caring and reminded me of Aunty M, my sister) handed you to me in a little white sheet and said ‘this is Chloe’. Oh ‘she is so beautiful, she’s got Daddy’s nose and bear feet’ I uttered with a smile. I held you close. I felt your soft warm feet so sweet and so tiny, your warm head and hands. Your skin was a deep pinky tone and your features were just like Daddy’s. You had our small ears. Your tongue slightly stuck out which I thought was adorable.

Then Daddy proudly held you, you looked so small in his arms. Then Nanny and Grandpa held you – their first Grand child!

Grace Suzanne Olufemi born at 3.23am Tues 27th Sept(500g/1.1lb).

Over an hour later of being on IV drugs to bring on more contractions I, now laying on my back, pushed and pushed and then Grace your head came out. Daddy was there watching as you were delivered, much slower than how Chloe came out. On the next push you came out. The cord was around your neck so the midwife removed that and then Daddy cut your cord. Nanny brought you to me. You were so beautiful just like your sister and I couldn’t wait to hold you too. I held you on your own at first and then held you both together. I felt your soft sweet tiny feet, your warm pale skin (like mummy). You had more curled up toes just like mummy’s but your nose more like Daddy’s.

Daddy had a special time with you and Nanny and Grandpa did too. Grandpa took photos of you both whilst you were still warm and just born.

Some time later I then delivered the placenta. A biopsy of this was sent for testing.

You were our beautiful little baby girls, lifeless but perfectly formed.  The cords were so tangled and knotted ; the cause of why you both died. There was nothing we could have done differently as it happened so fast.

We all wept over you, though somehow I was full of joy.  I felt guilty at this as I should be feeling upset but why should I not rejoice too at seeing my new babies?

We were all exhausted, me especially after 17 hours of labour. Daddy went to sleep on the bed in the room and Grandpa and Nanny went to their special room. The midwife put you side by side together in the cot. I lay awake for hours in shock at the trauma that had taken place. I cried and spoke aloud in anger and then told you how much I loved you and prayed you would come back to life. I finally drifted to sleep though my temperature was still high and my mind was racing. You remained next to my bed until I woke to face the next day.

Somehow I had energy though I only slept a few hours to get up and have breakfast. I was a bit stiff from the epidural. My temperature was back to normal so I could go home when ready though needed to take antibiotics for the next week.

The midwives took prints of your tiny feet. Chloe it looks like you moved as there is a smudge but we know you didn’t.

We left you in your cot where you looked at peace together and wheeled you through to the en-suite room where we stayed for some hours before we had to say goodbye.

This next day you didn’t look the same, you were cold, your souls had gone 😦

The Chaplain from the area came to pray with us which was lovely. An amazing volunteer photographer from Remembering my baby came to take photos of your last moments with Mummy and Daddy whilst Nanny and Grandpa went for a walk for some air. We chose some beautiful knitted dresses and hats and satin embroidered gowns that had been donated to the hospital that the midwife carefully dressed you in and we held you for the last time. We were a family!

Then once back in your cot, Nanny and Grandpa came back from their walk and we introduced you to Aunty M, Grandma and our own vicar (who comforted us all with encouraging words and prayers). They loved you and cried over you.

Most of this time I felt in a daze. It felt like a weird nightmare and not reality for me. My memories of the past few days didn’t connect up in a linear order but in fragments and I couldn’t make sense of my emotions which changed frequently from guilt to anger, to a sense of loss to utter devastation.

Mummy and Daddy held each other close. We spoke over you and told you we loved you. We said Goodbye xxxx