‘Sweet tiny feet’, has been created to honour the short but very special lives of our baby daughters Chloe and Grace who were born sleeping on 27th September 2016 at 24 weeks. They were our rare twin miracles after 5 years of trying to conceive them.

If you have found yourself here on my blog please stay a while and come back if it helps. Maybe you too have lost a precious baby? or maybe you are supporting someone else through this time of anguish?

I would like you to know that you are not alone in this! You are strong (though at times you feel far from it) and amazing! I understand some of what you are going through though I know your journey will be very different and unique. Don’t have any expectations from one day to the next as to how you ‘should’ feel as there are no ‘shoulds’.

Reading the experiences of other mums and dads has helped me so much especially in the early stages of my grief journey, to realise that I wasn’t alone, to know what I was feeling was actually normal and though what I read would quite often make me cry, my heart would heal that little bit more and my soul would feel encouraged to face the future, whatever that may look like.

7 months on I decided that I would start making my own thoughts public. My blog posts are straight from the heart as I tell of the up moments and down moments as I ride the waves of grief.

Perhaps something I say, just even one line will help others on their journeys. Grieving the loss of a baby at any stage, whether it be a miscarriage, stillbirth or during the first few years after birth is devastating and heartbreaking. It is a path that no one should ever have to follow yet so often it does. It is not something you can get over, it can take a life time to move forward. You lose not just a little person (or a complete family if expecting twins or more) but a lifetime of what should have been and all those dreams and hopes.

I share here on my blog about the devastating day we lost our twins and the day I gave birth to them. Each day after that has been tough and I am not sure when it will ever be easy but there is still hope and times of joy amidst those times of pain. Writing about how I feel can be freeing. I don’t want to hide my grief or what happened as society would perhaps rather me do. I hope to continue to share more thoughts with you and will always be real and true to how I feel.

During those 24 weeks I wrote a pregnancy diary to my babies from week 9. Each week I would write about their development, an update on how I was doing along the way (yes-sickness, pelvic pain and cravings included) and then a summary of what I got up to with them in my tummy that week (details of the 2 weekly scans, adventures etc).

I made a copy of my diary and it was placed in the coffin with my girls when they were cremated along with photos of me and my husband and a note I had written to God which said ‘Dear God, I wrote this diary so that I could one day read it to Chloe and Grace when they are older. Now that they have gone only I will get to read it here on earth. I won’t be able to read it to them when they are older so please would you read it to them for me in heaven?xx’

Though sad for me to look through the pages of my diary I am also so utterly grateful that I wrote it as it is full of hope and life and cherished moments with my girls. So as well as blog about my feelings months on from when I lost my twins, I have included my diary entries just as I wrote them in the original (though full names and some photos have been removed).

I share my diary to celebrate the amazing life of Chloe and Grace when they were growing inside me. I want to keep their memory alive!

In loving memory of Chloe and Grace. Always in our hearts and minds xxx

Your sweet tiny feet that once kicked in Mummy’s tummy now dance on the soft green pastures of heaven.