Chloe and Grace, we trusted God and took for granted that in 8 weeks we would have you in our lives and arms. We never expected that you would die on the exact day of reaching 24 weeks!
On Friday 23rd Sept we were so happy to have reached a milestone of 24 weeks. Though your cords were entangled you were doing so well. Your hearts at the 22 week scan had been strong, there was good blood flow and each day I would feel your reassuring kicks to say all was well. The 24 week scan was due on Monday 26th Sept when we knew the risks would go down because if a problem was detected you could be taken out and have a chance to survive.
However on Friday 23rd Mummy worried as you seemed to kick less whilst I was working from home but sometimes you did that. By that evening when on the sofa (a place you loved to kick and move) I came to the realisation that Grace, you had gone quiet. I knew something could be wrong when I felt neither of you kick but had also read that at this stage kicks would be irregular, perhaps you were asleep? I had been reading the momo group stories on line, the miraculous successes but also about the risks. I said to Daddy that on Monday we would need ask the consultant to see you more often, every week instead of having to wait two weeks each time and also discuss if we could be monitored closely in hospital as they do in America.
Daddy went out for a drink with his friend. I read more and more and had a feeling of dread – it would really be a miracle if you were born alive, so many don’t make it! For weeks I knew this truth but prayed and hoped and chose to be positive for your sake and for my own sanity! No sense in over worrying I would tell myself and besides God had finally given us these babies he had to see it through!
Yet being a natural worrier and feeling how I now did at the thought of something being wrong quite literally froze me, for ages I felt like I couldn’t move. I stayed up late and watched comedy and tried not to stress. Daddy came home and I told him I was worried. I prayed when I went to bed and spoke to you as I usually do and firmly touched you to coax you to move. I fell asleep.
On the Saturday morning I lay there. Still no movement. I felt like you had already gone. I would usually speak to you by name and rub my tummy and you would kick back. In the days before this you danced and kicked and I could even see you move under my skin. At all the scans you were my dancing babies. You would kiss and cuddle each other. I just knew something wasn’t right but thought still that all would be ok.
Scared, I spoke to a midwife, she said to lay still and time it for half an hour and feel for kicks. I even tried to drink cold water. We decide to go to hospital. That journey was awful, it reminded me of the few weeks before when I had a tiny bleed and thought the worst but Daddy prayed powerfully and reminded me that God wouldn’t give us you and then take you away. I held onto these words as he had way more faith than I clearly did as I couldn’t even think straight.
The nurse did a quick scan, there you were… still and not moving but she quickly stopped and just said she wasn’t great at doing scans and said we should wait for the doctor. The half an hour watching the clock waiting for the doctor (with Daddy frequently checking where he was) was the longest half hour of our lives.
Until this day we never expected the worst. Though you were very rare twins and were very high risk as you shared the same sac we had made a decision to be positive and had all along clung to faith and hope. For six months we had prepared for you, bought and borrowed all we needed to welcome you.
But we received the worst news ever from the doctor ‘ I am sorry but I can’t find their heartbeats’. We felt only devastation and heartbreak. We lost you our twin babies Chloe and Grace.
Screams and wailing burst from my mouth with no control and from deep inside as I can only imagine the women did in the bible when their babies were killed. I curled up on my side in a fetal position grasping at you in my tummy. Daddy was stood there in shock but then held me close. I could not be consoled yet I had to move, we were told they needed a consultant to check again in an upstairs private room. I entered the lift with Daddy, a lady next to me pregnant with all the hope in the world that I had had only a few hours before. All this had now gone for me. I don’t remember walking to the new room it was a blur.
Again we waited but then a team of midwives and a consultant arrived. I prayed the first doctor had somehow been wrong and that your heart beats could be found. He took his time but again I heard those words ‘I am really sorry’. This time I could not look at the scanning screen, looking at you lifeless would cut my heart into pieces.
All our dreams had shattered. I just wanted you back.
Realisation set in at what this would now mean when the midwives started talking about coming back in Monday morning to be induced and give birth to you. Something i ha made no plans or preparation for as you were meant to be born by cesarean section in 8 weeks. Then we found ourselves having to decide if we wanted a post mortum and a burial or cremation!
We then had the heartbreaking task of telling closest family and friends who we had told already that we were going to the hospital. They were praying for you. For some friends we texted but we needed to call family. I will never forget having to say to Nanny ‘ Mummy, they have died!’ – those words and knowing what that would do to them will never leave me. They love you so much.
The midwives were amazing and sensitive to our feelings and needs. We needed to make decisions and face the coming days which were only to get worse.
I had to take a special pill to soften my cervix ready for the Monday to go into labour. I so didn’t want to take that pill. I felt like I was in the Matrix film. I kept thinking that maybe you would come back to life but me taking this pill would be accepting you had gone and there was no going back. I swallowed hard and faced the truth and my future.
Nanny and Grandpa came to stay for the next few weeks. There would be a day on the Sunday when I would be carrying you though you had died. Mummy and daddy needed them so much to be there for us.
We were devastated. It was like we had entered a terrifying nightmare that we couldn’t wake up from. Part of me just wanted to hold onto you inside me where you had been for 6 months, safe and loved, you were part of me. Yet keeping hold of you and being aware you could no longer kick or move motivated me to prepare my heart and face the fear of what would be a 17 hour labour to finally meet you, our beautiful babies, on the Tuesday.
We love you always. We will always be your Mummy and Daddy!
We will see you again in heaven. You are now in the arms of the Father and Jesus xxxx
>
Sweet tiny feet 
I am so sorry you had to through this,the loss of your beauiful baby girl must of have been devestating.I know it was because almost 4 months ago on Nov 24/2023 my little girl Baby Ariel was 11 days overdue and born stillborn at 2:02am (apparently an angel number)
Ariel Rose Tobin-Burke born Nov24/2023 2:02am
Weight:6lbs 6oz 51cm Length:51cm
I understand how devestatiyng your loss was,my pregnancy was hard&complicated I was on partial bedrest basically I was allowed an hour a day for a walk or go do regular things like pick up groceries,things we needed for us&our baby to be prepared and ready for her
I had weekly and bi-weekly appointments with my obgyn and a high-risk specialst obgyn at the fetal assesment unit as well as several diff specialsts throughout the pregnancy.We wanted a girl,well we obviously wanted a healthy baby above all else but I really felt I was having a girl,I was always right about the sex of my babies while pregnant and Ariels father had 2 sons that were older and grown and had always wanted a girl.The day we found out we were having a girl was nice it was a happy feeling that was short lived and turned to such a helpless feeling of worry&fear when after we were told by the ultrasound tech that she was gong to go over the scan with the Dr.and the Doctor would be in for a quick chat shortly,after a longer than normal wait(I started worrying bc something the tech said during the ultrasound worried me&triggered that gut feeling that something seems off but I wanted to block it out hoping it was nothing,I saw the look of concern on her face&all she said was she would come back to that)so after a bit of a wait Dr. A specialst came in saying a few things came up on the Ultrasound scam that were soft markers(possible signs of potential genetuc issues)I immedatly knew why I had that feeling in my gut,I couldnt calm the hepless hurt feeling I had,I just found out I was having a baby girl and there might be something wrong with her..it seemed like a cruel joke,I quietly cried while my partner who is a very strong loomed at me sad&helplessly trying to comfort and grasp what we were being told.We were told we were having a baby girl then told she had 2 soft markers aka indicators of a genetic issue bascally the scan showed indicators possibly down syndrome or a heart condition.I was broken hearted it was a Thursday and I was scedualed for a more detailed scan a biophysiocal profile as well as an appointment with someone in Genetics..i was to upset at the time to ..on Monday.I cried the entire weekend and kept thinking of something the Ultrasound Tech said about at my appontment with someone at Genetics dfferent options would be disscused such as further testing invasive and non-invasive as well as termnatng the pregnancy at 26 weeksIt hurt so much and I was scared,my partner felt helpless,he had to deal with his own feelings,my feelings as well as me on bedrest and work/provide for us.On Mo day we met with someone at Genetics before the Biophyscal profile ultrasound for an hour and a half,she went over what the markers indcated,whato testipng options were available everythng explaining in detail so we clearly understood…I choose to start with the non invasive testing first which wouldnt say 100% for sure if a genic issue was present juzt if it was a high or low risk and If it showed a high risk i could choose what to do from there the options were a more invasive test an amniosynthesis which had risks or going through with or terminating the pregnacy So I went for the full genetic screen bloodwork,they were testing the placnta blood as well at this point we knew the percentage due to the soft markers aka possible indicators our daughter had a 29% of having a gentic or heart condition.
we went downstairs to see the high risk specialist and have the biophysical profile done and we were told that one of the marker(indicators)was present (a nuchael fold)but the other marker which made the percentige/chance that the baby had a genetic issue go from 1-4% (that with other factors were at 1%)that the ba y had the genetic issue,
We waited for almost a week for the test results and when they came back the results were negative for any genetic or heart problems.
What a relief that news brought,I was still on bedrest due to other issues being a high risk pregnacy the biggest worry being pre-term labor due to a short/weak cervix which at 32 weeks i was hospitalzed for a week and again at bospital at 34 weeks,I was given medication to stop or slow down pre-term labor and told I had a low lying placenta,which I had not been made aware of until now.So after almost a week in hospital I was told they would do an ultrasound to check the position of the placenta.After the ultrasound I was told everything was fine as a low lying placenta often changes position on its own and I was being discharged to go home later on,still on bedrest and seeing my Obgyn and the high risk obgyn at the fetal assesment unit.I was having symtoms of pre labor and went back to the case room twice,I was not readmitted and went 11 days overdue at 9/10 days overdue I noticed I had severe nausea and the babys movements seemed to have slowed down,I had a bad feeling something was wrong.During the nigh&next morning I was having irregular contractons that finally had a pattern of every 10mins,I tried to get some rest wile waiting for the contractions to come every 5 mins like i was told before go g to hospital but that afternoon I started bleeding and went to the hospital,my partner was still waiting to get the car out of the shop after some repairs but I had to go before so while he went to get the car I went on my own to the hospital..he would be out in about an hour.When i got to the case room I was checked in and the nurse was going to hook me up to the monitor to follow tohe babies heart rate as well as the contractions.The nurse hooking me up to the monitor was having a hard time finding babies hear rate,another nurse came in and tried but failed to get my daughters heartbeat,so a resdent Doctor came in and while she was tryng I got scared and slowly started crying deep down I was afarid something was very wrong,after failiong ti geta hearbeat anitber Doctor came in not aable to find the heartbest either got the portable ultrasournd machine and failing to find her heatbeat with that turned to me saying Iyy cant fnd a heartbeat Im so sorry..the feelg of pure heartbreak hit me..omg Ive never felt such a hopeless painful feeling before,oshe expolai ed id be sent down for an ultrasound as soon as poossible but they had to call in someone to come in for it becauss iyrt was after hours,I asked them to call my artner while i charged my phone the doctor came in satng she had not got an answer buot i was able to call from my phone a few mins later he answered and I could barely calm down and stop cryi g to tell him,I did and heard the pain in his vouce he felt helpoless as he rushed in to the hospital,he got there shortly aftrr then we wwere brought down for an ultrasound which confirmed our daughter our baby girl..Baby Ariel was gone then we had to discuss what wpukd happen next the deivery and options after like holding/seeing her to arrangements for her..it was devestting she was born 2:02 am 6lbs 6 oz  51cm 06h
LikeLike